Adventures To Come - The Final Journey

I am lying here aware that the sun is behind me and to my right. There is no land anywhere nearby. Salt water splashes into my mouth. I can really taste it. So much of it. I’m aware that blood is seeping from my stomach area in great amounts, mixing with the salt water in a way I’ve never felt the ocean before. So this is what it’s like. I start to panic. Is there something I should do? I remember always wondering what I’d do in this situation. I imagine gulping some air and swimming down. Pushing all thoughts aside except the instruction to keep pulling deeper and deeper until I can afford one last instruction to open my eyes and suck in a mouth full of water. But it feels better to just lie here and seep into the ocean. Don’t think about sharks. They are friends. God knows I’ve eaten my fair share of them. Be kind to me. It’s relaxing not having to do anything. A gulp of Coke would be nice. What about my family. My Dad. We didn’t have a lot to say to each other. We seemed to know we had the same internal thoughts with no answer. I think he’d be proud of me. It would have been really nice to have a son or daughter. Actually a daughter. A girl I could love in the purest way. That would really complete things. And the fun I could have with her boyfriends. But then I’d make sure he knew I liked him. For her I would like anyone. There’s probably no one in that living room right now. I hope someone likes my music collection. What about the girls I’ve loved. Wished I could leave them something. Most things I ever did were intended to give them everything. But it hardly ever turned out. Time just went. I should have bought them little birthday presents along the way. That would have been a better way. I hope they find men who buy them little things. I don’t want to hear the sound of my mum crying. I hope she doesn’t turn cold. I meant a lot to her. My brother will really change. He’ll pick up where I left but he’ll do it better with more time. That thought makes me happy. That reminds me the time I got my foreskin caught in my zipper. Mum thought it something my uncle should sort out. In the car on the way my brother looked at me and started laughing. It made me angry but then I laughed too. God I wish I had my foreskin caught in a zipper now. I’d really like a gulp of that Coke. I’m feeling dizzy. No sharks yet. What else? Should I try and stop the bleeding? I can fit three fingers inside my stomach like a pork chop. All alone. There must be so much space out here. I wish the sun wouldn’t set. I wish there was something I could do. I don’t want to be a quitter. I kick my legs. I like the idea of dying trying. But it really is nice just lying here. This water in my mouth is really interrupting my thoughts. So God, I’ve never really discounted you but never got that excited about meeting you. It just always seemed so far off. My heart has been good, I think. One last party would have been great. To say goodbye to everyone, like Bilbo Baggins. I’d really like to talk to someone. Call a friend like Millionaire. That reminds me wasn’t Slumdog Millionaire a great film. Wish I’d been able to make something like that. She was beautiful. I should have talked more. I would have been funny. There’s no wind. It would be boring on a boat. Okay this salt is getting annoying. It tastes different. It tastes yuk. Am I near a wharf? No, it’s getting dark. Stars. They never change. Water. Salt. Air. No fire. It doesn’t make sense. It’s too late to swim down. I’m going to cry. That feels lighter. Exhausted. It’s hard to say loud but means the most. I love you.